Ask the Coach: Help — I’m Addicted to Fixing Other People’s Problems

Q: “I’m realizing I’m a glutton for punishment when it comes to trying to fix other people’s problems. My boyfriend, my mother, even my coworkers — they constantly ask for my advice, but too often just criticize me after I offer it. We end up angry and resentful. I love them and want to help. What am I doing wrong?”

First — you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing something very human.

What’s so bad about wanting to be a fixer? We only do it because we want our loved ones to be happy, right? And yet, as you’ve learned from hard experience, the failure rate is usually off the charts when it comes to “fixing” other people’s problems.

Here’s the thing: most people who ask for advice don’t actually want advice. They want to be heard. They want to feel understood. They want to vent, process, or simply not feel alone in whatever they’re dealing with. When we rush in with solutions, we accidentally communicate that we’re not really listening — we’re just waiting to fix.

The real question is: why do YOU need to fix it?

Often the urge to fix others is a way of avoiding our own stuff. When we’re busy solving everyone else’s problems, we don’t have to sit with our own. It’s worth asking — honestly — what role this pattern plays in your life.

What actually helps

Ask before you advise. “Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for ideas?” Simple question. Game-changing.

Know your limits. You can care about someone deeply without taking responsibility for their life. That’s not cold — that’s healthy.

Work on your own stuff. The less you need external validation, the less you’ll need others to take your advice. When your own life feels on track, you stop needing to manage theirs.

The people in your life are lucky to have someone who cares this much. Now channel some of that care toward yourself.

Now available: Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!