Category: Mind

Nobody talks about anger honestly. We either treat it as something to suppress and manage, or we let it run completely unchecked. Both approaches miss what anger is actually telling us.

Anger is information. It’s a signal that something — a boundary, a value, a need — has been violated. In that sense, it’s useful. It’s your system flagging something that matters.

The good

Anger, channeled, can be fuel. It can be the thing that finally gets you to say what you’ve needed to say, set the boundary you’ve been avoiding, make the change you’ve been postponing. Some of the most important things people do come from a place of productive anger — enough is enough energy that finally moves in the right direction.

The bad

Chronic anger is exhausting and corrosive. It keeps the nervous system in a constant stress response, damages relationships, and — crucially — often punishes the person carrying it far more than anyone else. Rage directed outward rarely lands where we intend it. Mostly it lands on the people closest to us.

The ugly

Anger turned inward. This is what depression often is, at its core — anger that has nowhere to go and turns back on itself. Self-criticism, shame, hopelessness. If you notice you’re rarely angry at external things but constantly angry at yourself, that’s worth paying attention to.

The question with anger is never “how do I get rid of it” — it’s “what is it telling me, and what am I going to do with that information?”

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

Short answer: yes. Longer answer: it’s complicated — but not in the way you might think.

The most common misconception about forgiveness is that it’s something you do for the other person. That forgiving someone means what they did was okay. That it lets them off the hook.

It doesn’t. Forgiveness isn’t about them at all.

Forgiveness is about you — specifically, about whether you want to keep carrying the weight of what happened. Because that’s what resentment is: weight. It’s heavy, it’s constant, and it burns energy you could be using for something that actually matters to you.

There’s a line I’ve always loved: Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. They’ve moved on. You’re the one still carrying it.

Here’s the thing nobody tells you about forgiveness

You don’t have to feel it first. You don’t have to wait until you stop being angry. You don’t have to like the person, reconcile with them, or have any contact with them at all.

Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You decide — consciously, deliberately — that you are no longer going to let what happened define your present. That the story of what they did to you is not going to be the most important story you’re telling about your life.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

It usually needs to be made more than once. And that’s fine. Make it as many times as you need to.

What — or who — are you still carrying? Is it worth it?

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

If you’re feeling stuck right now, I want you to try something. Just one day. No commitment beyond that.

For one day, pretend there are no limits.

Not forever. Not as a life plan. Just for today — put reality on a shelf. Suspend the “but I can’t because…” and the “yeah but what about…” and the very reasonable-sounding objections your brain has been collecting for years.

For one day, ask yourself: If I could have the life I actually wanted, what would it look like?

Write it down. In as much detail as you can. Where are you? What are you doing? How do you feel when you wake up? What’s different? Who’s there? What’s not there anymore?

Don’t edit. Don’t be practical. Don’t worry about whether it’s realistic. The exercise isn’t about whether it’s possible — it’s about getting honest about what you actually want. Most of us have been so focused on what’s achievable that we’ve completely lost track of what we actually desire.

Here’s what usually happens

People write things down and then look at what they wrote and feel surprised. Sometimes the things they want are much simpler than they expected. Sometimes they’re bigger. Sometimes they’re things they haven’t let themselves want in years.

That’s the experiment. What did it show you?

Stuck isn’t a life sentence. It’s a signal. It means something in you is ready to move — it’s just waiting for you to get out of the way.

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

Fear is not the enemy. Fear is information.

The problem isn’t that we feel fear. The problem is that most of us treat every fear as a stop sign when really most of them are just speed bumps — our nervous system doing its job, checking whether this new thing is actually dangerous.

Spoiler: most of the time it isn’t.

The fears that actually run our lives aren’t the dramatic ones. They’re quieter. Fear of rejection. Fear of being seen. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of wanting something and not getting it, so we decide not to want it at all.

A question worth sitting with

What would you do if you knew nobody would judge you? Not “what would you do if there were no consequences” — that’s a different question. Just: what would you do if nobody’s opinion were a factor?

Most people have an immediate, honest answer to that question. And most people have spent years not doing it.

Fear of judgment might be the single most life-limiting force there is. More than money. More than circumstance. More than talent. Because it operates invisibly, disguised as logic, practicality, realism — all the very sensible reasons why now isn’t the right time.

Here’s what I’ve found, working with hundreds of people: the thing you’re most afraid of is almost never as dangerous as the life you’d live if you never faced it.

The fear doesn’t go away when you face it. But it gets smaller. And you get bigger.

What’s waiting on the other side of yours?

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

Most people spend an enormous amount of time thinking about what they don’t want.

They don’t want the stress. They don’t want the job that’s draining them. They don’t want to feel stuck, anxious, or like they’re just going through the motions. They don’t want another year that looks exactly like the last one.

Fair enough. But here’s the thing — knowing what you don’t want only gets you halfway there. And most people never make it to the other half.

The question nobody actually asks

At some point in almost every conversation I have with someone who feels stuck, I ask a simple question: What do you actually want?

Not what you think you should want. Not what your parents wanted for you, or what looks good on paper, or what seems realistic given your circumstances. What do you want — if there were no limits, no old story, no one’s permission to wait for?

You’d be amazed how many people go quiet.

Not because the question is hard. Because most of us have never genuinely sat with it. We’ve been so busy managing what’s in front of us — the demands, the obligations, the endless noise — that we’ve never stopped long enough to ask the most basic question of all.

And that silence? That’s not emptiness. That’s the beginning of something.

Why this question is so uncomfortable

The question “what do you want?” can feel almost dangerous to some people. Like asking it out loud might jinx something, or expose a desire that can never be met, or make the gap between where they are and where they want to be feel impossibly wide.

So instead of asking it, we defer. We tell ourselves we’ll figure it out later, when things settle down, when the kids are older, when work eases up. But later never comes. And the question just sits there, unanswered, quietly running the show anyway.

How to actually do this

Grab a notebook. Find somewhere quiet. Ask yourself these three things — slowly, honestly, without judgment:

1. What would my life feel like if everything was working? Not look like — feel like. Start with the feeling.

2. What have I been tolerating that I’d stop tolerating if I gave myself permission? The job. The relationship. The story about yourself. Name it. Calling a thing a thing is the first act of freedom.

3. If there were absolutely no limits — no money concerns, no one’s opinion to manage, no old story about who I’m allowed to be — what would I actually do? Write whatever comes up. Don’t edit it. Just write.

You don’t need to solve anything today. You just need to answer the question honestly. The rest has a way of following.

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Being exactly yourself is your superpower. But that requires getting out of your own way.

Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

Candace Pert, the neuroscientist who discovered the opiate receptor and spent decades studying the biochemistry of emotion, said something that has stuck with me: “Your body is your subconscious mind.”

What she meant was that the mind and body aren’t separate systems running in parallel — they’re one system. Every thought you have triggers a biochemical response. Every emotion has a physical correlate. The body keeps score, as someone else once said.

This matters practically, not just philosophically.

It means that chronic stress, chronic negative thinking, chronic low-grade self-criticism — these aren’t just psychological experiences. They have physical consequences. The body responds to what the mind generates. Always.

It also means the reverse is true.

Positive emotion, genuine laughter, moments of real gratitude, physical movement, connection — these also trigger biochemical responses. Healing ones. The mind and body are always in conversation, and you have more influence over that conversation than you might think.

The practical takeaway

You can’t think your way to wellness while treating your body like an afterthought. And you can’t out-supplement or out-exercise a mind that’s running on chronic fear and negativity. The two have to move together.

What’s your mind running most of the time? What’s the general weather in there?

That’s not a rhetorical question. It’s actually worth knowing.

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!

Here’s something I say to almost everyone I work with at some point:

Put it on a shelf.

Whatever it is you’re carrying — the shame, the old story, the harsh inner voice that’s been narrating your life for longer than you can remember — just pick it up, look at it honestly, and set it down somewhere you can see it. Not to fix it. Not to fight it. Just to get it out of the driver’s seat for a minute.

That’s it. That’s the whole move.

The thing about judgment

We are relentlessly hard on ourselves. Most of us have an inner critic that would make a drill sergeant blush — a voice that catalogs every mistake, every embarrassment, every moment we fell short, and replays it on a loop like the world’s least enjoyable highlight reel.

And the cruel irony is that this voice isn’t helping. It never was. Beating yourself up about being stuck doesn’t get you unstuck. Judging yourself for having fears doesn’t dissolve the fears. Shame has never once been the solution to anything.

What actually works — and I’ve seen this over and over — is the opposite. It’s looking at the thing honestly, without judgment, and just letting it be seen.

What “no judgment” actually means

A judgment free zone doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It doesn’t mean toxic positivity or putting a smiley face on something that genuinely hurts.

It means this: whatever you find when you look honestly at yourself — the fear, the resentment, the belief that you’re not quite enough — you look at it like a curious scientist, not a harsh judge. Oh. There you are. I see you.

Because here’s what nobody tells you: the things we refuse to look at have far more power over us than the things we’re willing to see. The moment you bring something into the light — really look at it, name it, put it on a shelf in front of you — it starts to lose its grip.

The shelf exercise

Try this right now. Ask yourself: What is the one belief about myself that holds me back most?

Not the surface answer. The real one. Sit with it. Let it come up. Write it down. Don’t analyze it, don’t argue with it, don’t try to fix it yet. Just look at it.

Then ask: Is this actually true? Or is this a story I inherited from someone else’s fear?

Most of the time — and I mean most — what we find on that shelf is borrowed. It belonged to someone else first. A parent, a teacher, a bully, a moment in time we were too young to process any other way. We picked it up because we had to. And then we just… kept carrying it.

You don’t have to keep carrying it.

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Being exactly yourself is your superpower. But that requires getting out of your own way.

Here’s something worth sitting with: every time you seek someone else’s approval before you feel okay about yourself, you’re essentially saying “You are more important than I am.”

That’s a heavy thing to carry around. And most of us carry it constantly.

We dress a certain way. We soften our opinions. We post things online and quietly wait to see how many people respond — and how fast. We preoccupy enormous amounts of mental energy with questions like “What will they think?” and “Do they like me?”

And the cost? Creativity. Peace of mind. The version of yourself you actually want to be.

Approval-seeking isn’t weakness. It’s deeply human. But when it becomes the operating system running your life, it creates a kind of low-grade chronic stress that never really goes away — because there’s always someone whose opinion you haven’t secured yet.

The real question is: whose approval do you actually need?

Nobody’s opinion of you determines your worth. Not your boss. Not your ex. Not the person who didn’t text back. Not the internet. Your value is not up for a vote.

The moment you genuinely internalize that — not just intellectually, but in your bones — something shifts. The noise gets quieter. The choices get clearer. The life gets bigger.

Try this: for one day, notice every time you do something because of what someone else might think. Don’t judge it. Just notice. The awareness alone is the beginning of something powerful, and profound. It’s the start of your freedom from approval.

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Now available: ‘Get Out of Your Own Way — A System for Living’. Right here. Where you are. Listen to part one — as a gift to get fully started — or get all 5 sessions (and bonus session and workbook) at GOYOW. Enjoy!